• Candace E. Duecker, CFP®, CDFA®, AFC®

When the Body Says No and Why Your Relationship May Be Killing You


Consciously or unconsciously, choosing to stay in a place that is painful, sad, and unproductive can wreak havoc on our bodies. Research shows there is a clear connection between our thoughts and behaviors and physical illness and disease. I know it to be true without ever seeing any research as I see it in real life all the time. Though being an analyst, I am always curious for the data. When I learned of the book by Gabor Maté, M.D., ‘When the Body Says No: Exploring the Stress Disease Connection,’ my craving for the data was satisfied. It changed the way I think, live, direct my energy, and it refined my approach to helping others through life transitions. I feel a deep responsibility to helping others become aware of the connection between stress and their bodies.


In my own life, I have come across too many stories where others began experiencing illness after years of gripping to a relationship that was steadily heading downhill. Crazy as it may seem, some symptoms seemed to either disappear or significantly improve when they liberated themselves from the toxic environment.


I have also heard a story from a fellow divorce analyst who knew of a woman devastated by the infidelity of her husband and end of her marriage. She was literally seething with anger that lingered years after the marriage ended. She became known as miserable person because she was just frozen in that moment and unfortunately, she lost the majority of her social ties over it. That bitterness and anger was showing up in every aspect of her life. After a couple of years of this agony, she started having unexplained stomach pains. Ultimately, doctors discovered a tumor in her liver, and she died shortly thereafter. The liver happens to be the organ that filters out toxins so it is a wonder that had she not filled her mind and body with toxic thoughts for so long, would she still be here today?


Of course, this mind/body connection may seem too easy, and unscientific but I’ve seen it time and time again. Our bodies are constantly detoxing what we feed it. The good empowers and brings us positive energy while the bad gets filtered. When we demand it to filter too much, it gets exhausted. Do yourself a favor and rid your life of what is toxic. Celebrate the opportunity to have a second chance at life! You get to start over and create whatever you want. Decide who you want to be and who you surround yourself with as this could be the most important time of your life to truly become authentic.


The pain, bitterness, resentment – it’s all real. Feel it, then release it. Life is just too short, and the world needs who you were meant to be.


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